New Chapters

I know it is not as though I have ever been a daily blogger or have a bazillion followers like many of the blogs I read, but I have stayed deliberately silent for the past month.  It is not that I have nothing to say, as a matter of fact I have written dozens of posts in my head and have jotted down several ideas that I want to explore further, but more like a self-imposed moment or moments of silence.

Tomorrow I will be closing a chapter in my life that once upon a time I envisioned would last much longer.  When I first started my doctoral journey, I was constantly asked what I intended to do with my degree and, to be honest, even 4 years later when I completed the journey, I still had no real idea (remember all I really wanted was the fancy hat).  I mean I had this crazy idea that I would work as a professor in a university but that seemed like a far off pipe dream.  Or was it?

I won't get into all the details of how that crazy big dream became a reality in an incredibly short time and how it still absolutely blows my mind how everything just came together.  Despite rumors to the contrary, I was not fired or asked to resign in lieu of termination (have to love the rumor mill) and for anyone offended that they weren't let in on "secret", no one outside of my immediate family and 2 close friends even knew this was a possibility. 

Over the past several days, I have been asked if I'm sad to leave the place that I have called home for almost 7 years and, to be completely honest, the answer is no.  However, the answer is not no because I am angry or frustrated or anything else, it is simply no because it is time for the chapter to be closed.  I will miss the kiddos and my school family but know that many of the friendships will continue and even though many won't, that's ok.  I don't say that out of animosity but rather out of reality because I know how "out of sight, out of mind" works.The timing is not perfect being that I was under contract that required me to pay to be released from and it is the middle of the school year.

But, that is just the thing, maybe the timing was perfect ...

Choosing Joy

Several months ago I made a conscious decision to see the "joy" in every day life situations.  It's not that I am a negative person but rather found myself getting irritated (often needlessly) about situations that I had no control over -- thus was born my motto, "Choose Joy".

This idea is certainly not unique to me and, in fact, I read about it on one of the many blogs (too many according to my husband) that I read and all over Pinterest, so I decided to try and not sweat the small stuff.  If you know me then you know just how truly difficult that is for this A-type "gold" personality.  At first, I didn't share my new mantra with anyone just quietly repeated it to myself over and over and over again whenever I needed a reminder.  However, one day a co-worker was having a particularly rough day and I shared my new way of dealing with my difficult situations and this quickly became her mantra too.  She shared it with a couple of other people who in turn would see me and comment that they were choosing joy or remind me to choose joy.  That reminder is often very timely.

Today and every day I need that reminder.  Life is so much more than the irritations that we face and frankly life is way too short to worry about pettiness and drama.

Some Gave All

My heart is heavy tonight.  Sometimes I don't understand the evil in the world.  I know it's not my place to try and understand it and nor could I even if I tried but sometimes the evil hits closer to home than others.

In my former life, I was a police and fire dispatcher.  I loved what I did all except for the hours and working holidays, nights, and weekends so I moved on to something that worked better for my family.  But while I walked away from that career, a piece of my heart will always remain with my former law enforcement family.  Law enforcement is just like that ..

Today, the Sacramento and Placer County law enforcement communities lost 2 deputies to the actions of criminals with no value for human life.  Today, 2 deputies kissed their families, went to work, put their lives on the line, and paid the ultimate price.  Both were husbands and fathers, brothers and sons.  Countless other lives will be effected forever all because of the cowardly actions of criminals.

So, even though I'm hundreds of miles away, my heart is broken.  Thank you Sacramento County Deputy Danny Oliver and Placer County Deputy Michael Davis for your ultimate sacrifice.

"All Gave Some, but Some Gave All...."

To the Least of These

Truth .. I wanted to ignore him. 

Really, I did and more often than not, I do. 

I'm sure some of you will think I'm being callous, mean, selfish, self-absorbed, cruel, etc. Maybe I am and honestly probably a little cynical from my former days in law enforcement.  But something about this man caught my eye and despite my best efforts to ignore him, I just couldn't.

Let me set the stage.  My darling son was driving us home (reluctantly I might add) from a doctors appointment and darling daughter was thirsty and needed a drink.  Naturally, a stop at QT will cure her dying of thirst, so my young driver maneuvers to the farthest parking spot he can find from the door lest he have to use his driving skills to park next to someone.  In this effort to have a "cushion of protection" he parks right in front of a homeless man.  I hand the kiddos $10 to get their drinks and avert my eyes before said homeless man makes eye contact.  Eye contact is always bad ... always. 

I successfully avoid really "seeing" him but I notice that he is drinking a soda, has several bags with him, and he is filthy.  He looks weathered from days in the sun, I assume from being on the street but perhaps from years of working out in the elements.  Several people walk by.  Everyone averts their eyes.  He doesn't say a thing.  He has no sign.  He makes no plea.  When the 5th person walks by without acknowledging him, he simply asks if the man has any spare change.  The man ignores him.

About this time my kiddos walk out drinks in hand and a fistful of change.  The man says nothing.  My son hands me my change and I hand him a couple of dollars for the man. 

"God bless you" says the man with a smile.

I don't know what the man intends to do with the money.  The cynical part of me says he saving up for his drug of choice.  The compassionate part of me hopes that isn't the case.

I don't tell this story for a pat on the back or anything like that.  I would like to think that just for a minute I was given the opportunity to make the world a better place for this man or at least brought a smile to his face. 

Focus

Several years ago my hubby decided to get into mountain biking.  We bought fancy bikes, that cost way more than bicycles should cost, and all the gear that went with them and off we went.  My problem is, that while I am quite able to ride a bike on pavement, I am less capable riding on anything else.  However, I really didn't know that little tidbit of information until I was on the side of this mountain:

This particular "trail", although I argue that something that is about 18 inches wide cannot be classified as a trail, was "easy".  But "easy" is definitely in the eye of the beholder (or the rider in this case) and this "trail" is on the side of a mountain (if you look about halfway up the picture you can see the trail in question) and as a I mentioned I'm not the most accomplished rider. 

Darling hubby tells me it is all about focus.  If you don't want to end up down the mountain into the cholla cactus, focus on where you want to go and not where you don't want to go.  Sounds easy enough, right?  But unfortunately for me, said hubby mentions a snake track along the trail and that was all I could focus on wondering where that snake had slithered off to.  Before I knew it, this is where I ended up:

Let's just say the cholla cactus won and years later I still have a piece embedded in my leg.  A whole lot of pain all because I lost focus.

It is the same thing in life, if you focus on your problems, you will be filled with anxiety, anger, doubt, frustration. But if you focus on what makes you happy, guess what?  You will be filled with happiness.  It's all about focus!

What is happiness anyway? Is the pursuit of ones happiness being selfish? What will truly make you happy?  Power?  Money? A great job?  A family? A relationship?

Arlene Pellicane made some great points about happiness when she said,

    Happiness is about contentment. It’s not about comparison.
    Happiness looks out for others. It’s not only concerned with itself.
    Happiness is at peace with God. It’s not trying to win a popularity contest.
    Happiness is saying thank you. It isn’t saying I deserve better.
    Happiness chooses to respect. It doesn’t choose to retaliate.
    Happiness forgives. It doesn’t warehouse grudges.

So what makes you happy?  And on what will you choose to focus?

"That mom"

Today I was that mom.  You know the one.  The one is emotional, irrational, angry, and doesn't care who knows it. You have wronged one of her babies and you will fix this and you will make it happen now.

Well, in a perfect world that's exactly how it would happen.  In reality, it will be fixed but definitely not as quickly as I would like and I may have caused more harm than good. 

Let me start by saying that as a teacher I ALWAYS side with my kids teachers.  ALWAYS.  I hear all kinds of crazy stories from my kids and I think, there is no one that a teacher would say that or there is no way that a teacher would do that.  If the teacher claims you didn't do the assignment then that is on you not on the teacher until one kiddo shows me a paper with a grade on it and the teacher put it in the grade book as a zero.  I can overlook that.  Really I can. And I'll even defend the teacher that they have a lot of kids and it is your responsibility if you see a zero when you have the graded assignment to talk to the teacher.  Advocate for yourself.  Be responsible.   

But what if the teacher is wrong?  Like worse than  just not entered 1 grade wrong in the grade book wrong?  I know she's wrong.  The teacher knows she's wrong but refuses to admit it.  The administrators I talk to say she's wrong.  We all agree, she's wrong but no one is willing to do anything to fix it.

Well, that's when I have to be "the one".  I never want to be "the one".  In fact, I resent the teacher just a bit for forcing me to have no other choice.  My job as a parent is to raise my kids right and teach them to be responsible and if someone is sabotaging those efforts, well, then it is my job to advocate for them.

So as much as I hate it .... I'm "that mom".

The Promised Land

This blog post has been stirring in my head and heart for the past several weeks In fact, it is the very thought that inspired me to start writing again.  But then self-doubt snuck in.  Should I share it?  Should I not share it?  What will people think?  Does anyone read the blog anyhow?  Why does it matter what people think?  Lots of self-doubt and inner talk (sometimes inner argument) but in the end I just think if I don't share this, I am not truly living gallantly, so here goes nothing.

In the Bible, the Promised Land was the land promised to the Israelites when they left Egypt and the oppression that they had suffered at the hand of the Egyptians for some 400 years.  They left the only home that any of them had known and followed Moses through the desert to their promise of a "land flowing with milk and honey" (Exodus 3:8 if you want to read the account).  I've always been a little confused by that particular statement so I did a little research and found “milk and honey” refers to the nectar of the fruit, and a land “flowing with milk and honey” is an expression used for a particularly fertile land that could produce abundant and juicy fruit.

So with this promise, the Israelites followed Moses through the Red Sea, past Mount Sinai (think Ten Commandments), and a bunch of other drama.  Years later, the Israelites finally make it near the Promised Land and Moses sends spies to survey the situation and when the spies return from their spying activities, they affirm that “it is also flowing with milk and honey and here are its fruit, however, the people who dwell in the land are fierce” (Numbers 15:27, 28).  They talk of giants and impossibility.

But see, that's the thing about the Promised Land, yes, there were obstacles, but it was, also, promised.  Long story a little shorter, only 2 spies remind Moses of the promise and try to encourage the Israelites that God's promise is God's promise, God makes the Israelites wander the desert until the generation dies off due to their lack of trust, Moses disobeys God when they are wandering in the desert without water, and Moses doesn't even get to enter rather has to look at the promise from afar and wonder what could have been due to that disobedience.

Nice story, right? But here is something that I had never considered, we all have our own Promised Land.  Some people call it their destiny or calling or whatever but in reality it is just the promise that is in store for our life.  Several weeks ago, our pastor asked the question, what is your Promised Land?  Hmmmmm .... that's a very good question and one that I'm not entirely sure that I know the answer to. 

What I do know is this, I don't just want to see my Promised Land from afar and wonder what it would have been like as Moses had to do nor do I want to be like the spies who were too afraid of the obstacles so they never got to experience the fulfillment of the promise.  I want to my Promised Land, whatever that might be.

Good Ol' Days

Sometimes in life it is important to acknowledge that a friendship has run its course. The person who was once your "go to" person just isn't anymore. Sometimes it isn't about a big fight or not seeing eye to eye or for anything other obvious reason, it's just done.

Kaput.

Over.

The key is understanding that sometimes that person just doesn't need to be in your life anymore. Yes, they will always be in your heart but time marches on and we can't wallow in the "good ol' days".  I am a true believer that there is time and season for everything including friendships.  Some friendships last a lifetime while others are placed in your life to serve a purpose and a time.

Expectations

“You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.” ― Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon

The thing about expectations is that they are almost impossible to attain. We go through life with certain "expectations" for different people in our lives based upon what "we" think they should do, how "we" think they should act or react, what "we" think they should know, etc. The problem in all that is that is too often about "we" and not really about the other person but really more about "me".

I have crazy high expectations of myself. Now that isn't always a bad thing, but the problem lies when I cast those expectations on others who don't live within that same set of beliefs.

As I get older, I find that truly the only person that I am disappointing with my self-imposed expectations of other people is myself. I need to just let it go; but if you know me, you know that isn't super easy for me to do.

So, that being said, I find myself wanting to be more reflective of my own actions and less worried about the actions of others.

Maybe Elsa is right, sometimes you just need to let it go.

I Really Just Wanted a Hat

Well, technically, it all started with me wanting a hat. Not just any hat -- this hat specifically:

The date was May, 10, 2008. I was graduated from Northern Arizona University with my Bachelor of Science in Elementary Education. From the moment I saw the hat, I knew I needed one! However, while this hat (technically, an English Tudor cap or Tam) can be purchased, it must be earned first. But in order to earn it, I would have to get a doctorate. Um .. yeah no thanks I had just finished 3 years of classes in the evening while working graveyard full time and managing my family with 2 tweenage children.

Fast forward 3 weeks, I find myself enrolled in Master's classes. Going to school must be like having a baby, clearly as soon as you finish you forget the pain, anguish, blood, sweat, and tears. In May, 2010, I again found myself at graduation at Northern Arizona University, this time with my Master's in Elementary Education, and again I was enthralled by the hats.

Just a short few weeks later, June 23, 2010 to be exact, I found myself on my own journey to earn my own hat.  It was supposed to be a 36 month program and you don't even want to know how much it was supposed to cost. It was about a 51 month journey and about 3 times as much money as it was supposed to be.

But guess what?

Last week, I earned my own hat!

I have been in school continuously for 9 years and 1 month.  That equals give or take 3,315 days.  My trusty computer (well, truthfully I think I went through 3 laptops during that time) has been on every family vacation from camping, to Hawaii, to Florida, to Texas (a couple of times), to California (too many times to count) and, before the age of free wireless internet in hotels (although lately I have stayed in some that are reverting to making people pay -- cheapskates!!), I even had to have my family drop my off at a Kinko's in Huntington Beach, CA, to pay to use their computers in order to get my assignments turned in on time while they went to the beach.

I am ready for a laptop free vacation! 

Or am I really? 

Now that I have earned the hat, the question is what now?

So it all started with a silly hat ......

Am I Really Living Gallantly?

Gallant is defined as "brave and high-spirited; courageous; honorable; dignified". Its origin stems from the 14th century and at that time was generally used to describe the young warriors of the time. (Think Braveheart)

But I would contend that the word has applications and meanings for this day and age. As I get older I start to think back on my life and wonder, have I lived my life in a way that it was meant to be lived? Have I made the most of the opportunities that I have been given? Am I brave? Courageous? I want to live a gallant life! A life full of doing things that scare me and challenge me. A life that is lived with honor and dignity and where every dream is a possibility. And not only dreams but big dreams .. really, really big dreams.

I want to live gallantly!